Erma Bombeck

"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage."

Charlie Brown

"I can't cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast."

Nora Ephron

"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so."

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

P.J. O'Rourke

"Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year."

Jimmy Fallon

"A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense, when you hear them consider saying 'that smells good' to be helping."

Jim Gaffigan

"The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that everyday!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us.' "

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

Andy Borowitz

"For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag."

Melanie White

"Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home."

Mitch Hedberg

"If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'"

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

John Lyon

"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line."

Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother

"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner."

Anonymous

"We may not have it all together, but together, we have it all."

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

Friends

"It wouldn't be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring."

Lindsey Bareham

Lorelai Gilmore, Gilmore Girls

"It's not too much food. This is what we've been training for our whole lives. This is our destiny, this is our finest hour."

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

Ina Garten

"If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken."

Eric Samuel Timm, "Static Jedi: The Art of Hearing God Through the Noise"

"Overeating at Thanksgiving is a case in point. It’s a national tradition."

Ambrose Bierce

"Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude."

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

Mike Connolly

"Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving."

Tom Swyers

"Real ballplayers pass the stuffing by rolling it up in a ball and batting it across the table with a turkey leg."

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

ncG1vNJzZmivp6x7pLvUp6ursZyew6q6xmeaqKVfm7ywsIydqaKmm6h8qH6RcWlucWVlfKfBzaewZqyYlrusv8airaKml2K%2BtrvTnqpo